Tragedy

There is a quote from one of my favorite movies that rings so true many times in my life, and again recently. It says, "It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they are over before they start although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable."
For the last few days the following has been true in my life. It is something that is deep, and personal, and not often shared publicly. I expect for some readers this will prove to show sensitivity or even the lack there of by my stating these truths. Please indulge me to release some of this pain from tragic news.

My heart breaks and feels as if it has been torn into pieces with this news. I know the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when I heard and can only imagine the pain that those closest must be feeling. The constant thoughts of "what if" and "why" must be trolling through their minds. The wonderment of what they may have been able to prevent or at the very least notice an out of character moment can be a form of torture to the soul. "If I'd made that phone call or if I'd sent that email would things have turned out differently?" will only tear the person questioning apart at their very core.

I sat hungry and frustrated by being delayed for my meal while cryptic messages of request for my presence were repeatedly sent to me until I finally made the phone call to inquire what was so bloody important that I could not be permitted to enjoy even an hour to myself. Immediately upon hearing the voice on the other end of the line I knew that all the frustrated emotions I had felt were for naught. To be honest there was a piece of me that felt foolish and even selfish for having had these emotions. It was obvious that someone else was hurting far deeper than I knew at that moment. Somewhere during the course of cryptic messages I figured out the category the 'news' could be placed in, and yet the shock I felt when the news was finally shared was unimaginable. The feelings of hunger vanished and were replaced by utter heartbreak. Some of the first words I managed to speak were to find out what we could do to help. "What needs to be done?" Of course at that early point nothing could be done just yet, we had to wait and pray for the people that I love who in turn loved the one now gone. And so we have been.

I can attest from previous experience that one of the fastest ways to lose weight is to lose someone close to you. For myself in this case I'm sure I haven't lost any substantial amount of weight however I do know the amount of sleep I have lost as my spirit has been crushed for my friends. The short amount of time I've gotten to spend with them revealed a completely broken person. Sure we had laughs about some unrelated things, and we talked about other things we care about and find interesting, but lying just below the surface was the spirit of a soul shattered. Granted this soul has their barriers adequately in place to protect their bruised heart, but when you know them as I do, you see straight to their heart. There is a part of me that wants to simply hold their heart for them as it heals so that they do not have to endure the pain and agony that will be coming in the weeks and months ahead and at the same time, I know that they must endure in order to grow.

I've solicited prayers from people who have no idea who I'm praying for or what about but they know me and the pain I feel and are willing to lift the entire situation to our Father. For them I am grateful because I know that without their prayers, I would not have the strength to pray for the ones hurting deeper than I am. This entire event has caused me to reflect upon the quote I stated at the beginning and serve to remind me that nothing is for granted. Every moment of every day is a gift, and true to the Word in Ecclesiastes some of those gifts come in shiny, happy packages, and some of them come with pain and agony, but they all come for a reason from our Father who ultimately wants us to cry on His shoulder while we ache so that we may grow and be able to stand for our loved ones when they are unable to stand themselves.

Have you ever considered how foolish a people we are? Recently it's been more dominant in my mind than normal. There have been many things that could have brought this to reality, and who knows perhaps they all did in their own small ways.

For myself I have been forced to stop for a moment and reflect on our foolishness as well as our selfishness. We do not even stop for a mere moment in time to assess the people surrounding us. Or if we do, we do it so quickly and through smudge covered lenses that all we manage to see is the shell of the person or persons. Do we really ever stop and see the person? I can be accused of this just as quickly as I can make accusation. There are plenty of times in my history when I can say that I was guilty of simply looking at the outside of a person. We have been challenged at work the last few weeks to hand out one personal workers testament every week. This has caused me to notice all the people that on any other day I would have only passed by without a second glance. I find myself curious of their stories, I want to know for myself that I at least was obedient enough to leave a testament with that meal tip. Not simply to fulfill a challenge at work, but to have the knowledge that perhaps in some small way I have influenced them for the Kingdom.
How hard is this obedience thing? Not only in leaving a Bible or taking a moment to listen to the story of a stranger, but also in our lives with the people we are in closest proximity to daily. Are we not commanded by our God to love one another? Since we are, in fact, how is it possible then for any one of us to walk around as if we are immune to God's commands? Plain and simple--we aren't! Just as I said I have been guilty of doing this very thing. How many times have I just been feeling sorry for myself, or tired, or in a funk that I just plain didn't care about 'the least of these'?

This realization hits me hard and right where it hurts, because it needs to. But it has also caused my resolve to muster up again and be reminded that while I am human and will have days when I falter, there is no need for me to punish any others. As I've stated multiple times over, don't judge me and my life based on one interaction when you have no idea what path I'm currently trodding. Just the same, I have not, and never plan to judge you and yours. Believe me when I say that I have enough 'life' happening to me in my corner of the world that I certainly need not concern myself with how you are living and acting in yours. However, when one manages to cross the bridge and uninvited invade my own circumstances in a way that does not wish to help me better myself or uplift me when I'm on the ground with a skinned knee my resolve to be obedient is tested.

Yet still in the midst of all things, I do not ever seek to cause harm, or to hurt a potential non-believer's view of the Jesus I (a self proclaimed Christ follower) claim to imitate. Truth be told, I have tried many times over in circumstances less than desirable to be obedient and in some of them have been successful. Sadly, more often than not it ends with a parting of relationships and the realization that my gut instincts about them were to be trusted after all. It is this that makes me sad and infuriated in the same moment. Sad because of the relationships that could have been had obedience from God been adhered to and infuriated because I know that even though I'd rather write it off as a complete waste of my time, nothing happens by accident or chance and that there is something to be gained that will aid me in my life as I go on. C'est la vie or as Doris Day immortalized "Que Sera Sera".

In the meantime I will continue to live with my heart open to the teachings and leading from God so that hopefully I will never cause another to experience what I have personally.

Here's to all of you who stick through with me when I've fallen and have that bruised and scratched knee! Thanks for the band-aids and neosporin you've brought into my life. I'm able to heal and move on because of your help and love.

Downtime

Being ordered home for a month for recovery was about the last thing that my brain ever wanted to hear, and so I was determined to cut that time in half by being a good patient and doing everything just exactly as the doctor ordered. Almost everything anyhow. The get up and walk as much as possible part I truly had problems with mostly because of the severity of pain when I did get up to walk.
No matter, during my time at home (I did manage to make it two weeks instead of four) I had people who love me coming to visit. Some stayed for hours (You all know who you are), some stayed for just a few minutes, some dropped enough movies by to entertain me for days. Then the ones who couldn't stop by in person, sent flowers, cards, and food! Bless all of you who cooked too, because it was scrumptious and you kept it reasonably healthy. The Big Dawg was also thrilled to have food coming in.
During week number two, I decided to put the 'get up and walk' command to use as an excuse to get up and take some pictures of what was happening in my daily life. I saw tons of this face from Ellie.
She was so very concerned that 'mom' had something wrong and wanted so badly to be able to comfort me. Abi was content to lay by my feet and provide her support in that way, but poor Ellie nearly couldn't stand it. She tried to finagle herself to get in my lap any way she could, much to her disappointment when it was unsuccessful. By the middle and especially the end of week two, she could lay next to me with a pillow in between to ensure she wouldn't step on me. So from that point I got to see a lot of this pose. Obviously since the pillow is in the background, Big Dawg took this shot.                                      

 Then you've got all the flowers I got from everyone! They were so beautiful and cheery that it helped being stuck in more enjoyable. 

Somewhere during that same week I had the capability to toss an empty juice bottle to the floor for the girls to play with and the result was this. While this was a welcome change for them, neither of them understood exactly why I was home all day but couldn't really have anything to do with them, or play, or snuggle. This meant that at night, the Big Dawg had his work cut out for him trying to catch them up. Thankfully he absolutely loves them and didn't mind one bit sitting down doing nothing but hold them.
At the end of the second week, I was allowed to go outside again for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed a beautiful, sunny Spring day. I captured some more really nice shots of the flowers I got and will include them below.

Thanks again to everyone who stopped by, called, came to hang out, brought food, and prayed for my recovery. Without each and every one of you I know it would have been a much harder path to walk for myself and especially for the Big Dawg. (he would have starved)

Catching up

Obviously the last few months have been a little more than hectic and sadly blogging has been one of the many neglected aspects of my life. One would think that with time at home under doctor's orders I would have had plenty of time to write and tell everyone all the things going on in the world as I knew it. Alas, a good portion of narcotic pain relievers kept me from thinking too much about anything. Needless to say, there's quite a bit of catching up to do. Without further adieu: Some pics of the world of the hospital pre and post op. If you're interested in all the gory details about the stay that I had and the tornadoes that occurred that same day, I'll share what I can.

FIL hanging out with James in the waiting room

Big Dawg and another man from church each had their 'girls' in surgery

A few hours post surgery and post tornadoes I finally got to have broth to "eat"

Reduced to just drinking it

Breakfast in the hospital :)

Indiscretions of the Leggoland mind

The title here has very little to do with the actual post forthcoming, but it sounded cool in my head so deal with it.

Most of you probably already know some of the things that have been occurring in my life the last few months, some of you know a lot of it, and two of you know everything. But did any of you know that this has actually been something I've dealt with for a number of years? Gotcha! It's true though.

God bless the Bigdawg who has stood by and watched me be in pain, and suffered through the horrendous hormone medications and their side effects!! He's a trooper for sure and I'm so glad that he is who is walking this path with me (though there are days I'm sure when he would tell you he wished he'd pushed me off the path). Thankfully this path is nearing it's end hopefully once and for all very soon. Ten days, ten days is what I keep saying today.

Ten days until I don't have to take these crazy hormones anymore. Ten days until I won't contemplate very seriously injuring the woman at the grocery store who took the absolute very last free parking space. Ten days until my coworkers and boss can breathe easy and not wonder which mood they will encounter this morning. Ten days until I will wake up and realize that I've got no idea what day it is, or where exactly I am. Then eleven days until I realize I am back at home, and confined there for the next 2-4 weeks. The Bigdawg has been coordinating with the Scoutmaster who will babysit me on which days and for how long they will be there. It's a phenomenon in it's own right to think that I have to have a baby-sitter for myself.

I don't really care at all who baby-sits me, I won't know much different the first couple of days at least. After that, all I can say is don't attempt to convince me to do anything I've said no to, because no is my final answer and even in my drug induced state of mind, and possibly especially in that state of mind, I will not compromise. Ask the Bigdawg..he will tell you. It's never been a secret that I'm stubborn, and I don't hide it from anyone, but I am generally fine with compromise. Apparently on medication, compromise is not a word in my vocabulary. Pray for the people who are stuck having me stare at them while I'm home. Maybe I'll sleep, a lot.

What I do really care about is the fact that this should result in me not having to be poked, prodded, weighed, measured, questioned, shuffled from one office to another, filling out endless forms about all the questions they have already asked me, only to be asked again in person. I still have the bruises on my arm from the latest round of poking and prodding. Heaven knows our dear Lord has had to hear me more in the last few months than I'm sure he's wanted to. Chances are that if He were like us, He'd have told me to get over it already and shut-up.

So, here I am, ten days and counting. Wonder what kind of trouble I can get into between now and then?

(I should have titled this ten days...but I like the original better)

Can you be plagued with love?

I know, interesting title. Yes. But before I delve straight into what that's all about I must say that I have the privilege of leading some of the finest young ladies on the planet each Wednesday night. These girls are 7th-9th graders and have a lot going on in life and a lot to bring to life. For the sake of their anonymity I will name them much like the rest of the people in my life.
They are in no particular order: The Thinker, The Diverse, Ms. Inquisitive, I'm a Rock Star, The Artist, The Affective, and The Quiet Contributor.

Over the last few weeks our entire group has been undergoing a shift in culture. They have been called upon by one of their own to quit their current behaviors and really try and live as Christ. Most importantly to live as Christ to one another. There is a sense of openness that is easing it's way into the group and from the adult standpoint, it is a welcome shift. We've gone through some basic, getting to know you types of exercises realizing that some of these kids that have been around the group awhile automatically think they know things about one another just because they've known them for a few years. I suspect they are quickly learning new things that they've never thought about before concerning their 'friends.'

This week was the topic of compliments and how we give and receive them. We went around the table and each gave compliments to one another, but also discussed whether it is more difficult to give a compliment or to receive one. Their were mixed reviews concerning this. We contemplated further with our thoughts on if Jesus would like to be complimented and the ways that we probably already compliment Him without even thinking about it. Thoughts of our prayers, singing praises, reading our Bibles, giving honor and glory to God for events in our lives even if they didn't turn out the way we thought best, and living our lives as much like Christ's example as possible were all voiced. Everyone seemed to have a thought and idea and they were all equally valid.

After some more discussion on this and various other topics (as I said they are 12-14 and have a lot going on in life) we made it back somehow toward something resembling our discussion. The Thinker then posed a question to the table. She stated, "Can you be plagued with love?" This particular night I was joined by another adult at the table and if looks could speak a conversation we had one in nearly thirty seconds.

So her question, Can you be plagued with love?-how awesome to think this?! Especially from a 12 year old! This question has stuck to me like hair when it's in a roll it shouldn't be in. How amazing a thought to be plagued with love. The key of course is to be plagued with love for others and for Christ as opposed to love for self. This is common knowledge to you all, I know but still what a concept? My mind races with images of being plagued with love and I adore the irony of the phrase.

May I challenge each of you to consider allowing yourself to be plagued with love. Stand up and boldly declare that you are indeed diseased with the love of Christ and that it's one of the most contagious, incurable diseases of all time, if you venture outside yourself.

Think about it awhile...it will soak in.

Silence

Ever noticed how loud silence is? Silence is deafening. 

I don't just mean the type of silence that you experience when you are secluded, either. That is a special silence. I'm talking about the plethora of other variations silence comes in.

How about the silence when you are so engrossed in a good book that you don't hear anything around you? Or the silence that comes when you're lost in thought somewhere far from your actual location, especially in a memory.

Then there's the silence that we know from our friends when they are simply loving us and letting us have time with them. And the silence we feel when we've hurt or been hurt and are isolated whether by choice or not. 

These are real and tangible for certain, but suppose we take it up a notch.

Of late there has been ample opportunity for silence for my own perusal. The reasons for such may at some time be posted, but for now I must refrain. 

I've had moments of silence in recent days from everything around me at varying times. I've had silence from my doctors leaving decisions to me (I'm thankful, and annoyed at the same time). Silence from friends as they are providing me with support but space while I try to comprehend all that's been given. Silence from the big dawg as he lets me sort out my thoughts and feelings and come to some measure of understanding (and I love him all the more for it). I've had tidbits of silence from my other family while they let me talk it out trying to make sense. I had what felt like silence from God even a few times.

Then came the silence of peace. Peaceful silence is when you can be sitting in the middle of an arena and you hear nothing at all. No yelling, no music, no event sounds, only the sound of your own breathing in and out. This is the silence when I have affirmation that God wasn't silent, He was simply allowing me to come to Him in my own time and cry as a toddler who wants to be cuddled for safety. This silence is achieved when wearily I came, begged to be comforted, and was scooped up and simply held. Held for as long as I needed and without question or motive. 

Silence is deafening, and the loudest of all is peace.

The things I hear

I know, I know, two blog posts in one week...I can see the shock on your faces. But let's be honest, it's January and there's just not a whole lot going on.

Even though it's January and I fully expected to be spending most of it stuck indoors or bundled to the point that I look twice my size outdoors due to cold, I find myself sitting outside on my patio on a Saturday morning listening. It is cloudy but not so much that I can't still see the blue in the sky and the sun is trying it's best to poke through and take us even higher than the 57* we are at now. For those of you that are aware of my feelings for mornings, understand that this is how I love morning. To be able to wake up after daylight and take time to sit and hear everything as it wakes up and I along with it. It is rejuvenating and exhilarating in ways I can't put into words.

As the suns rays rise and fall across my face I am enjoying the symphony of birds that spend their winter's here. Some are less melodic than others and there's one that sounds a bit like a small child squealing in a high pitched, didn't get their way kind of squeal. A couple of woodpeckers are trading their tunes back and forth. Then there's the squirrels. Wow are they playful this morning! Chattering, and running around. There are a few of them that are playing a game of chase, or maybe it's more of a game of I stole your acorn, bet ya can't catch me. Either way, they are running up and down the trees and it's fun to watch and hear.

Because it's Saturday the traffic on the highway close by is much less, and much quieter. It allows me to be able to hear the train whistle when it's still nearly downtown, and even a tug boat on the river. I miss the sound of boats in the morning. And without fail every few minutes I can hear a plane fly overhead.

The neighbor's dog walked over for breakfast at another neighbor's house and was greeted by the resident Labrador before deciding to skip the meal for now in place of sunning in the middle of the street. She sighs as another dog barks at something they heard.

Even now there is a dove sitting on a wire watching me and the crow across the yard. It hasn't moved in nearly five minutes.

Ah, the neighbor comes to feed the sunning dog and they have a conversation of stretches and scratches before the neighbor goes back in. Dog on the other hand, stares at the food, knows it won't go anywhere and proceeds to go back to sunning. Priorities to a dog. *smile*

I wish today my priorities including just sitting here listening to the world around me, but there are chores to be done and errands to be run. Take some time for yourselves though and enjoy simply listening to the world around you, especially in the mornings when it's just coming to life.

I'm not so strange afterall...

This morning in our staff devotions, we read Psalm 19. If you haven't read it in awhile, or ever, stop now and go read it. Okay, you caught up? Good. This thought occurred to me after reading it, when I was supposed to be listening to the devotions leader...oops.

God wants us to be delighted each time we see the new sunrise as a reminder to the power and glory of Him.

It is an interesting revelation to know that my love for the simple act of a sunrise is given to me by my creator.
People have occasionally viewed me as naive or even slightly removed from reality because I enjoy stopping to view the sunrise and even the rising moon on a clear night. Perhaps to some extent I am a simpleton because I find the beauty in these and other seemingly small things in the world around me, but if that means that I am drawn closer to my God who created these things, then I welcome being called simple.

(This picture was one morning just before a storm on the drive in to work)