Everyone has days, good and bad. Everyone has seasons. Some seasons seem to last longer than others. Personally winter seems to have taken a permanent residence if nowhere but my mind, though I doubt it. Normal seasons include strong and deep emotions that generally are processed through in due course. This recent season however has brought along some extreme extreme emotions; ones I have been ill equipped to handle. Ones that have truly hurt my heart, deeply. I can't list out any specific point where this began, but I know some of the pieces that have contributed.
One of the biggest, if not the biggest has been watching the big dawg go through some of the most hostile treatment at work. The only reason for it is because a couple of old timers don't like that someone much younger and with little experience in their field has come in and been trained and is now held as someone who has the authority to give them instructions. This entire situation hurts my heart in ways I am unable to express. In my personality, I want resolution immediately. I just keep talking to God and telling Him that I trust Him no matter what, and I do; but I'm telling Him as much to remind myself as anything.
If I'm completely honest, a large portion has also been the realization that the last good, deep friend I had close by has moved home-- home, eleven hours away. While my heart breaks and grieves at this loss, I am also happy for her because she has greatly missed being there and it is vital to her wellbeing to be close. The hope of future visits spurs us on.
There have been many other small winters that have popped up over these few months, it's not been a banner year for sure. So why crying over silverware? Simple. It was while standing at the sink, washing silverware that all this "winter" hit me full force. I sat in the floor and cried at the hurt I feel and smiled at the happy all while asking God to speak loudly because I need His voice to drown out everything else and I need Him to hold my heart for awhile.
11.04.2018
7.05.2018
Knew you when
Anyone else ever have the struggle of having people who 'knew you when' not be able to know you now? It's like they are forever stunted in their belief about who you are. Perhaps this is a just me scenario though I suspect it is much more common than any of us admits.
This past year and some change has been one of the most rewarding and most trying simultaneously. Challenging in feeling utterly betrayed by a group of people who should have behaved better and should have had my back while rewarding in finding a place where I truly fit in and where my ideas and opinions are valued as is my time. A place where no one is abused or penalized simply because they are good at something. This has made so many other things over the last year enjoyable.
Trying in the sense of losing my posse to some extent and not knowing exactly what that may look like going forward. In this case there was no betrayal or hurt had as much as there was just the reality of being in very different seasons and needing to cultivate what the going forward might look like. I'd be completely lying if I said it's been great or super fun during this process. It 100% hasn't been and has made me question it more than a few times as well as long for the times when I had a posse I knew I could call for any reason at anytime. On the flip side, being in this place has given me a chance to step out and begin to get to know new people. Still not a posse, but perhaps one day.
This year has brought reward in reconciled family relationships after nearly twenty years. There's still plenty of challenge involved and yet they are almost welcomed in a way to see how this can continue to grow as we learn who one another is. We've come a long way thus far and we still have plenty of ground to cover.
All of these things are good things and things that provide opportunity for growth and depth as a person sure, but still I find myself being left wondering about those peeps who can't seem to see who I am today. I certainly don't claim to be anything special or deserving of anything spectacular, I aim to be genuine. Sometimes I am genuine to a fault and I have to check myself, but I make no apologies for being real. Firmly rooted into my moral code is to be true to who you are no matter what someone else thinks. The crazy thing for me is that it seems for some people there is a belief that a person is forever and always one way, or rooted in one type of thought, attitude, etc. There is no allowance for a person to grow and change. Just as the tide ebbs and flows, so a person who understands the need to always strive to be the best version of themselves is constantly open to adjustments and sways to life. I'm not speaking of altering a moral code or going against beliefs, but about not remaining stubborn and resolute about things that need to move and change. And so, currently I find myself searching to make sure I'm not being one of the 'knew you when' people all while working to make sure I'm open to stretching in my own areas of stubborn stupidity.
The struggle is more real than ever.
This past year and some change has been one of the most rewarding and most trying simultaneously. Challenging in feeling utterly betrayed by a group of people who should have behaved better and should have had my back while rewarding in finding a place where I truly fit in and where my ideas and opinions are valued as is my time. A place where no one is abused or penalized simply because they are good at something. This has made so many other things over the last year enjoyable.
Trying in the sense of losing my posse to some extent and not knowing exactly what that may look like going forward. In this case there was no betrayal or hurt had as much as there was just the reality of being in very different seasons and needing to cultivate what the going forward might look like. I'd be completely lying if I said it's been great or super fun during this process. It 100% hasn't been and has made me question it more than a few times as well as long for the times when I had a posse I knew I could call for any reason at anytime. On the flip side, being in this place has given me a chance to step out and begin to get to know new people. Still not a posse, but perhaps one day.
This year has brought reward in reconciled family relationships after nearly twenty years. There's still plenty of challenge involved and yet they are almost welcomed in a way to see how this can continue to grow as we learn who one another is. We've come a long way thus far and we still have plenty of ground to cover.
All of these things are good things and things that provide opportunity for growth and depth as a person sure, but still I find myself being left wondering about those peeps who can't seem to see who I am today. I certainly don't claim to be anything special or deserving of anything spectacular, I aim to be genuine. Sometimes I am genuine to a fault and I have to check myself, but I make no apologies for being real. Firmly rooted into my moral code is to be true to who you are no matter what someone else thinks. The crazy thing for me is that it seems for some people there is a belief that a person is forever and always one way, or rooted in one type of thought, attitude, etc. There is no allowance for a person to grow and change. Just as the tide ebbs and flows, so a person who understands the need to always strive to be the best version of themselves is constantly open to adjustments and sways to life. I'm not speaking of altering a moral code or going against beliefs, but about not remaining stubborn and resolute about things that need to move and change. And so, currently I find myself searching to make sure I'm not being one of the 'knew you when' people all while working to make sure I'm open to stretching in my own areas of stubborn stupidity.
The struggle is more real than ever.
2.10.2018
Introspective reflections
Spending time reflecting over the recent past has proved a challenge. By nature I'm an extrovert. I love being out and about among people, even if I don't interact with them. Funny thing though is that people are probably the number one thing that gets under my skin. Isn't irony ironic? Recently I've been exercising my introspectiveness. I've spent time questioning nearly everything about myself. Who am I really? What makes whatever the answer is to that true? How do I really know that the answer is real?
To say I've been a hot mess doesn't seem to quite capture the depth of pain and anguish that's been a near constant companion. Now before any of you begin to go into 'fix-it' or 'rescue' mode, let me ask you to wait a moment. Everything has not been one giant cesspool of a terrible life recently--there have been moments and pockets of time that were glorious respites. Through this though I've come to realize that the root of the trouble at least for now is loneliness. I have an extremely wide circle of friends and people who I care about and I believe feel the same about me, but what's missing is that deep, honest to a fault, accountable friendship. Walk with me a moment through the door of nostalgia.
Back in the day I had my small group of peeps and we were inseparable. We knew each other's secrets and loved each other all the same. Absolutely there were plenty of times of frustration and growing pains, but they made us better and taught us how to live. So where am I going with all this? Simply put-- I miss my peeps. I miss truly deep levels of love from the people that let me into their lives and I reciprocate in turn. I miss the familiarity of knowing what they believe and how they are dealing with life. I miss the simplicity of just spending time together, no matter what we were or weren't doing. Do not believe me naive. I know better than many that things must change and people must come and go through our lives.
I spent the better part of last weekend hearing an alarming number of other ladies share similar feelings. How do we get all of us who are experiencing this same loneliness together to begin sharing life? I do not know the answer to it, but the hope I have for the answer being discovered is something to look forward to. Will all the current pain and questions about where I am linger? Perhaps. But more important is the belief that they will vanish somewhere down the unknown road. Even this morning a friend sent me this because this is how she sees me and what a wonderful reminder it is. So thanks current friend for this beautiful reminder and here's to you future close friendships.
To say I've been a hot mess doesn't seem to quite capture the depth of pain and anguish that's been a near constant companion. Now before any of you begin to go into 'fix-it' or 'rescue' mode, let me ask you to wait a moment. Everything has not been one giant cesspool of a terrible life recently--there have been moments and pockets of time that were glorious respites. Through this though I've come to realize that the root of the trouble at least for now is loneliness. I have an extremely wide circle of friends and people who I care about and I believe feel the same about me, but what's missing is that deep, honest to a fault, accountable friendship. Walk with me a moment through the door of nostalgia.
Back in the day I had my small group of peeps and we were inseparable. We knew each other's secrets and loved each other all the same. Absolutely there were plenty of times of frustration and growing pains, but they made us better and taught us how to live. So where am I going with all this? Simply put-- I miss my peeps. I miss truly deep levels of love from the people that let me into their lives and I reciprocate in turn. I miss the familiarity of knowing what they believe and how they are dealing with life. I miss the simplicity of just spending time together, no matter what we were or weren't doing. Do not believe me naive. I know better than many that things must change and people must come and go through our lives.
I spent the better part of last weekend hearing an alarming number of other ladies share similar feelings. How do we get all of us who are experiencing this same loneliness together to begin sharing life? I do not know the answer to it, but the hope I have for the answer being discovered is something to look forward to. Will all the current pain and questions about where I am linger? Perhaps. But more important is the belief that they will vanish somewhere down the unknown road. Even this morning a friend sent me this because this is how she sees me and what a wonderful reminder it is. So thanks current friend for this beautiful reminder and here's to you future close friendships.
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