Retrospect

What is it about the holiday season that causes us to reflect on things and on our life?  Recently I've been looking back through pictures from the last four or five years and realizing how much some things have changed, while others have remained constant. It has made me notice how there are so many of the same people over and over again in my pictures. To me this is a good thing, but it also causes me to realize that I should take pictures more often and with different people. Another way to put it is that I should get out more, or at least have my camera when I am out. I also realized that a good majority of these pictures are either somewhere in nature (i.e. a park, or beach) or they are spent playing with friends. 
I also took the time to read comments for the ones that are on the internet. The comments brought back memories as well. It's fun to just look back through things and see what people thought. I also realized that there are people missing from pictures that if I had my way they would still be a part of. I took a moment, especially with the holidays upon us, to reflect on how different my life would be if they were still here and involved in it like they used to be. I am reminded of how much I've grown and been able to help people around me learn to cope with things that should never be asked of them. I'm also reminded of how many people have thought that I'm completely cold and unfeeling because I don't break down and lose it over so many things in this life. Myself and probably all of you reading this know that this is not the case, but you also know that I take things in perspective very well most of the time and that comparatively speaking many things in this life aren't worth the anxiety and general breakdown they are accompanied with. For me I can base things on what I've already come through and say that the new or current situation is not as bad as a previous one therefore I will make it through with the help of God and my friends because I have made it through worse. Granted there are curveballs that life is so good as sending us and I can say I've gotten a handful this year, but haven't we all? I can remember some of the things that took me completely by surprise and how I reacted in the same calm manner in all but two of them, and I realize that I have been and am truly blessed with some phenomenal people around me who are there to pick me up when I fall. I also know that there are people who I love that have been through so much worse than myself this year and again with the perspective thing, I know that everything has it's time and that I am still doing really well. 
So the question looming on some of your minds can be answered by saying, yes, I'm doing good, no I'm not depressed though I am nostalgic, and I am anticipating what the next year will be bringing to all of us. 

Thanksgiving 2009

What would be the holiday season without a good blog post dedicated to each holiday? This year we did family Thanksgiving with my mom's family at her house. We were missing a lot of people, but still managed to get 19 people there. As is tradition, the men retreated to the closest television to watch any football game they could find, while all the women stirred around the kitchen trying to decide how best to arrange the food so there would be a line that flowed. And true to custom, all the arranging went out the window as soon as the line started. Everyone assembled in a line, and stayed that way as far as getting through the food line went, but there was much reaching across back and forth to fill each plate with what looked good. 

  We rounded the day out with good company, conversation and food. Most everyone left and those who remained decided to hit the movie theaters. We split into two groups with most seeing "The Blind Side" and the remainder of us seeing Disney's "A Christmas Carol" in 3D at the IMAX. Props to the cousin who offered to pay for the five of us that went to see "A Christmas Carol" otherwise, we'd have spent the evening in playing board games. I understand now after seeing the movie why a good friend told me it's absolutely worth the money. Someday I will be able to repay that blessing and take some other people to a movie that's that expensive. 

I spent a good part of the weekend teaching my sister and a couple of my friends how to play Dutch Blitz. I think I've created some addicts, but I love it because secretly I'm one as well. My youngest sister and I went on a shopping frenzy with a friend of ours Friday morning. Bear in mind that I am not a shopper, and I do not have any desire to deal with crazy Black Friday people who will tackle you for the gift they want. But she had it all mapped out and we shopped at eight stores between midnight and 8 AM. By the time we were done, we were tired, slap happy, had sore feet, and had considered only harming five other people. We had waved good-bye to some people who were overly rude in one store while we managed to check-out before them when they were in line ahead of us to start with; conquered nearly all of our necessary Christmas shopping, and a little for ourselves, and decided that McDonald's needs a letter this week. 

The weekend wrapped up with good services at church yesterday and time spent reflecting on the weekend and year as a whole. All in all it was a wonderful time spent with family and friends that selfishly I wish could last longer than it did. 

How about you? What was your holiday weekend like?

Where is Jesus in our lives?

This was a question given to us during our revival services this week. We have had R.T. Kendall and Dr. Dan Boone as our speakers and they have been phenomenal.  It is this question that Dr. Boone raised to us that made me sit and smile while he was speaking. He used a passage from the book of Revelation as his text and that alone will raise more than a few eyebrows in the room. He talked about how many people, Christians included have an enormous misconception about Revelation and what is spoken of in it, and how we must come to a point of understanding where Jesus is in our lives in order to be more effective to those around us. (There is a lot more that he discussed that I will omit from here, but still found insightful) His main point was that the theme of Revelation is Jesus and it's that simple.
He made emphasis that in Revelation, John is not grammatically correct. Big whoop a lot of you say, but in this case it is enlightening. John most often refers to the name of Jesus as "the one who is, and was, and is to come." For John, Jesus is 'the one who is to come'. He referenced Abraham and Moses, the disciples and Saul/Paul, and showed how  Jesus was the same for them as He was for John. 
Dr. Boone used the illustration of teaching a child to walk and how we put the child against something sturdy while we walk a few grown-up steps away and then we crouch down and beckon the child to come to us. Jesus does the same thing for all of us. He pursues us by going before us in everything we do and He stands there and simply says, "Come." If we will trust Him enough to go, then everything will work out, and as R.T. Kendall pointed out in one of his messages; "Just remember that when all things work out for the good, it doesn't always mean they were right." For me it was confirmation to how I have felt for quite some time.
I thought this whole message to be uplifting. I'm a strange bird in that I know that God is in complete control of everything and I have no trouble trusting Him with my life and the details that concern it. Don't ask me how I am capable of doing this with someone whom I can't see face to face, but struggle greatly with the ones around me who have skin on. All I know for certain is that God has never left me alone, or abandoned and He has pursued me as a lion pursues it's prey. The same can not be said of people, they forget, or are selfish, or simply don't know how to. Suffice it to say, I have no trouble trusting God with everything. My difficulty tends to be more of a contentment and having peace that I am really behaving as Christ would have behaved.
We must remember that above all, Christ loves us and would do anything for us, but that we must still experience life on this fallen Earth and have the opportunity to make choices for ourselves that have the potential to cause us or those around us much pain and hardship; but that in that pain, Christ is right there with us crouched down and waiting for us to run to His arms where He will keep us and everything will work for the good to His glory. 

Climbin' the mountain

Update: The situation with the kids seems to be beginning to come to a resolution. The dad did not do the things the mom accused him of, and after speaking to and hiring a lawyer and spending a day in court; the dad currently has the oldest child with him and the youngest is with the mom's parents pending a custody hearing. Continue to keep this whole situation in prayer as there are many details that I won't post publicly but I will say that things are looking up.


After my week and a little more spent trying to surface in the valley, this week feels like a mountain top. It isn't actually, but it is a start back up the mountain at least. Beginning with myself seeking God's will in what to do with James and his apparent hatred/extreme dislike of Christians as a whole and of church as an institution. It came to a point during the last week where in my spirit I was done fighting with it. This scared me because I don't want to get to a point where I give up. So I had a lot of searching and seeking to do and finally felt like I should just leave it alone. So I did. At least until Sunday morning when he brought it up yet again. He finally acknowledged that he is a bitter and angry person and that he needs to find out why. He made some suggestions about events that have happened recently and blamed the people who caused them for his bitterness. I simply told him he was bitter long before they came on the scene. During the church service, the message couldn't have been any better if the pastor had known everything going on. James leaned over at the end and asked me if I'd go with him to the altar. You bet I would!! We did and I just kept praying that God would take his anger and his bitterness away and that he would be a new person and never look back. Unknown to me at the time, he was praying for the same thing. Pastor Alan came over and prayed with us and I finally felt the peace I needed. Later in the day I found out what James had been praying for and thought about how great God is that He works all the details out. James told me that this was the first time he can remember actually leaving from a prayer time like that where he truly felt different. As excited as I am about that, I am a little leary and feel like if he can make it two weeks under this new pattern, then no matter it's going to stick. Sure there will be things that will make him fall back a little, we all deal with that, but as a whole I can already tell a difference. I can't express my excitement effectively enough here, but know that I am ecstatic!!!! 
I am so thankful to those of you who continue to hold us up in prayer when you know something isn't right. Your prayers matter more than you may ever realize. 
Other than all that, the seasons here have officially turned and the leaves have been beautiful. There is a chill in the air that lets us all know that winter is a lot closer than we thought and people are beginning to use their fireplaces at night. The smells of this time of year make the chilly air worth it.  

Symmetry

Symmetry: n. balanced proportions.

This is something I am having trouble with apparently this week. Being of an O.C.D. mindset, symmetry is vital. Like I've teased before, Feng Shui is not a new concept. Anyone with O.C.D. has been practicing it for years.
I'm just thankful for having people around me who notice no matter how hard I'm trying to just survive. Although sometimes it seems like the closest people miss the obvious! I know the psychology around why and I can tell it to myself but still. There are just days when it would be nice to have some symmetry!
To end with a self reminder, "Love bears all things,believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a

Ever have just one of those days....?

Do you? I don't seem to have those days all that often, but when I do they come with a vengence. Yesterday for me was one of those days. I shall not bore anyone who might read this with the details, suffice it to say that the day was a wash. But I did get to hear some interesting stories about a friend's travels over the last weekend. She always meets the most interesting people when she travels, someday I hope I can experience them with her. I also witnessed a person at the local Wal-Mart that could have very easily been famous on peopleofwalmart.com, and then saw a car on fire in the same parking lot when I was leaving. If it is any consolation, these were the high points of my day. Thank God that today is a new day and as Anne of Green Gables says, "with no mistakes in it."

As with everyone, I have crazy family members that do stupid things that usually don't directly affect all of us, but this one is reALLY BIG! It has the magnitude to render James and I, non-parents, parents to at least an 8 and 4 year old with the possibility of a 7 year old tacked on. Figure out how terrifying that is to us! Anyone who knows 'the family' knows that something like this doesn't just sit around and get chewed on. It's like the mafia..we all the sudden go from 'sweet and harmless' to these crazed people that 'if you touch a hair on that head...', well you get the picture. All I ask here is that you keep my family as a whole in prayer as we all are worried about these children and what is best for them, while trying to keep their parents behaved.

On a happy note, I had to get new "guts" to my cell phone and had to clear some pictures off of there and found four that I will post here.

The first is a set of magnets that my 'awesome' friend left me as a surprise one morning. They are indeed awesome! I have since posted them at random around my workspace, and even shared a couple back with her because they made a good description of her. :-) Then I have one of Abi...because she's so great. Abi is 'helping' James play rockband.

 She was so tired one night and just wanted to be held, but he was busy playing so she compromised. And of course you can't have an Abi picture without an Ellie one, I just wish Ellie would sit still for more than a second to get a good shot of her. Here she's just sitting next to James using him as a chair/pillow. And the last one is special! It's a great bumper sticker that I found at a Harley shop outside of Clarksville. I post it on here knowing that most people will not care, but I just have to smile every time I see it.

I'm also still in the process of trying to get everything squared away to be back in school next fall. I am supposed to be writing an essay and posting it on here that talks about what would I do if I found myself diagnosed with a terminal disease. Would I continue doing just as the doctors order no matter the results, or would I venture into uncharted waters and research and learn all I could about the disease and what other people who have had it did, and find doctors who would be willing to listen to me and actually care about me? I am actually excited to write about it, especially since I sat not too long ago and watched a woman that was like a mother to me fade away because of misinformation from her doctors. I remember how enraged I felt when I learned for certain that things could have and most likely would have been very different had her doctor actually done what he was supposed to. I still knew months prior to her death that she wouldn't ever be cured, and I have no way to explain how I knew that. But I learned a lot through that entire ordeal and will hopefully be able to apply it towards this essay. Be on the lookout for it coming soon.

God is never surprised

So I was clearing some things off and found a note I had scrawled awhile back about the fact that God is never surprised. Decided it was worthy of a blog post.




There is nothing new to God. We must be anchored so deep in our faith that when the surprises of our lives come, we don’t look to God and say “what’s going on?”, but rather we look to God and we say “we know that there is a plan.”

Have we ever thought really hard about the fact that God is never surprised?



I wish I could recall what prompted this scratch, but I’m still taking it all in...again. It’s a pretty powerful concept if we really stop long enough to dwell on it. My challenge to you is that you actually do that. Take the time to think about the fact that everything that occurs in our lives is not a surprise to God. We just have to be willing to be used no matter what circumstance we find ourselves in today.

Ten reasons to read

So I was sitting in a training session this morning for our new computer systems at work, and the question on the floor didn’t pertain to me. So I let my eyes wander around the room and I found this poster hanging and copied what it said.




Ten Reasons to Read:



1. Read to understand the past.

2. Read to explore your world.

3. Read to plan your future.

4. Read to visit new places.

5. Read to create great things.

6. Read to make a good decision.

7. Read to have fun.

8. Read to exercise your mind.

9. Read to keep in touch.

10. Read because you can!



Those reminded me again why I enjoy reading now. When I was a kid, not so much, I wanted to be outside, but now I can appreciate a good book, especially on a rainy day.

Is it possible to receive gifts from God with an ungrateful heart?

This question was posed to me this morning in staff devotions. The actual devotions was on forgiveness as both a gift and a rebuke and how we deal with it as grown people. That part of the devotional was good and there were things in there that I was reminded of in a good way. But the question of can we receive gifts from God with an ungrateful heart really hit me hard. Now I know that the subject question could be about any kind of gift from God, not just one of the spiritual gifts found in I Corinthians.But it was only a little over a week ago that I was complaining to a close friend about how sometimes I want to trade in my spiritual gift. How there are times when I wish that I could either give it back or simply trade it in for one that seems by all appearances to be easier to handle. I understand that quite clearly the Bible says in I Corinthians 12:18-20 “But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body” (NRSV). And I know full well that we are each given the gift that God has ordained for us to have and that we should be accepting of that gift no matter. But truth be told there are times when I am just plain tired from the battle between God and the powers of evil, and I am ungrateful for the gifts that He has given me.


The more I pondered on these thoughts today, the more I realized that it is not necessarily being ungrateful with our words or actions, but even if we are ungrateful in our hearts that is the same thing. We are still being ungrateful and we are hurting God with it.

So for me today this question was an eye-opener and a reminder that God is in charge and He knows full well what gift He gave me and why. And when I read a little earlier in I Corinthians I can find that God promises He will not put more on me than I can bear, and I know from Philippians that with Christ as my guide and my strength I can do anything. This is what was in my head today, feel free to add your opinions.

Faith....who's responsible?

As said before, I am going to go back and randomly grab some things from other locations and put them all here.

Has anyone ever thought about who is responsible for a person’s faith? I mean I know that we are each responsible for our own, but are we indirectly responsible for the faith of people around us?


A part of me says that I think we are, somewhat indirectly responsible. At least to the degree that others watch us and our walk and if we know they struggle with something or if we know they have a burden about something, and we take the ‘It’s not my problem’ mentality are we not then responsible for putting a stumbling block in front of them? To me this is a clear issue.

Maybe it’s best said with an example—Person A struggles with cursing, Person B is aware of this struggle as they are friends. They are hanging out and watching a movie that Person B suggested would be awesome. The movie is filled with dirty language. Person A is uncomfortable because they feel as though their friend who they look at to help them be held accountable is throwing the very thing they struggle with up in their face. Person A confronts Person B and says hey, you know I struggle with that and here you put it right in front of me. How are you helping me overcome this? You are only causing more difficulty. Person B takes offense to this and tells Person A that the struggles they have aren’t their responsibility and they should deal with them on their own.



I know that’s a bit confusing with the Person A and B, but you can see the general idea. The Bible is very clear that we are not to put stumbling blocks in front of our brothers or sisters. “Let us therefore no longer pass judgement on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.” Romans 14:13 (NRSV) Or if some prefer, here’s the same verse from The Message “Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.”



All of this to say that as of late, I have been disappointed in some people who are in a position that is watched and scrutinized more than many, and yet they seem like they just flat don’t care if the people around them are struggling. Have we really come to a point in this world where we are so selfish that we honestly do not care what happens to the person standing next to us? My prayer is that we may all be reminded in whatever way necessary that God is in control, not us and that He has charged each of us who are believers to set the example for everyone around us and to hold one another up in prayer and accountability. Thoughts???

It's about time

I've had this blog for over a year now and have never taken the time to post an entry. It's all about time and me actually taking some long enough to post on here. Quite simply, lately I've been neglectful of all of my journaling and this is an attempt to motivate myself to get back to it like I'm supposed to. As the description says, it's a place for learning about the twistedness that is in my head a lot of the time.

I have been accused of talking a lot, and of being too honest, and forthright. In some aspects those are all truths, but who wouldn't rather have someone around who is going to tell you the truth about what they think instead of trying to make up what they think you want to hear?  I attempt to surround myself with people who are similar to myself, as I believe we all do whether consciously or not. My friends are the family members that I have chosen to be a part of my life and I share it openly with them. We are all see through..or shall I say each layer of us is see through. :-)  But we love each other deeply and we care enough about each other to tell the truth, even if that truth will hurt for a moment because we will be better people for it.

I have looked back at other comments I have had and posts I've placed around the web and still laugh at myself. I wonder sometimes exactly what was it that posed such a comment or topic. Perhaps I will go back and grab some of them and post them at some point here.