Reality in this moment...

Recently I found myself home alone and became completely enamored with a history documentary. I mean it was full on nerding out and I am not even a little ashamed, in fact quite the contrary. I loved it! It felt so wonderful to sit and learn about the history of people I had never learned much about, ask me sometime and I'll gladly tell you about it.
This particular evening was a postlude to some very trying days. In particular was the day that I realized that this

 has been 20 years true.
Not every day was a complete wash; I did have one in there where I willingly pushed myself through exhaustion to support one of the families headed to Africa next month from our church, and as a bonus got to see a friend unexpectedly, met some new peeps, and got sweet kisses from another dear friends' pup who was "on tour" with the new peeps while her owners were out of town. That was a delightful respite from the reality in this moment of life.
Too often of late my mind and body have seemed to be in an ever existing battle with my soul, and with themselves.  The struggle is very real and to admit that it's time for something to change is perhaps the most difficult part. I've been at war with myself and not wanted to admit its truth, but knowing all the while that I had to. Weeks recently have been ones of confusion it seems. I told some of the people closest to me where I am, have been, and know I need to head. They love me anyway and somehow through it all still see the good in me, it is inspiring.
During this season there have been days that were so dark I wasn't sure if I'd survive them and yet God always put at least one person in my path to shed light. I am forever grateful to their obedience even when they were unaware of it, maybe especially so. I'm reminded that there are always constants in life and that God is the epicenter of all of them. In spite of everything in these shadows my faith never waivered and if I'm truly transparent, has grown stronger as I feel myself being pulled into the chasm that is God's love and strength. I am reminded that God is my shield and defender and that means from everything, even my own thoughts if need be. So while this season is existing and will be a daily struggle to move beyond, I know I will succeed because God will go ahead of me and be right beside me the whole time. St. Patrick had it right so many years ago, "above and below me, before and behind me, in every eye that sees me Christ be all around me." How fitting for us to remember it still.