Evil blogger.....

Dear Blogger:
Of late I have found you to be an evil, conniving, and generally all around meany. I have attempted to post and you've blocked my every assault. Now I may post, but people will not be allowed to leave me comments. Tell me, in your opinion, what is the point if no one can provide feedback?! Actually belay that....just tell me what in the world is wrong with you and when you intend to be repaired!!!!!

With much love,
The ever losing patience elf

For all you moms of daughters out there

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

*Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as a psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.

________________  _____________  _______          ____________

Last name                  First name            Date of Birth     Social security #

_____________         _____            _____

Drivers License           IQ                  GPA

Home Address:______________________________________________

Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If not, explain.____________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van?__________     A truck with over-sized tires?________

A water bed?_________   Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?________

A tattoo?________

(If you answered YES to any of the last five questions, discontinue application and leave a ONCE!)

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?_________________________________________________________________________________

What is your Church affiliation?__________________________________

How often do you attend?_____________________________________

Best time to interview your parents?______________________________

Your preacher?___________________________________

Your employer?___________________________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?____________________

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?____________________

Answer the following questions under oath:

The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A woman's place is in the:______________________________________________________________

My greatest fear is:___________________________________________________________________

When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is:________________________________________________________________________________

*(Note: If you answer begins with a body part that matures with age, discontinue and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety.)

CERTIFICATION OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT:

I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.

__________________________________        ___________

Signature                                                              Date

__________________________________        ___________

Witness                                                                Date

(If you have to ask what this means, you are not ready to date my daughter, so tear up this application and leave immediately!)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties, and carrying violin cases. ( You may want to watch your back!)

__________________________________________________________________________________
10 Simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes of hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka--zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless, god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

More old things I found that I can credit to Alex...

Chances are he'll not really care about all this being shared, but I have to admit that it's been fun to re-read these things and laugh at them as though they happened yesterday all while remembering the events that surrounded what brought them to existence. Without further adieu:

Since we had the E-Kathe-astes, it's only fitting then that I found Ladonna-astes to go with it.
1. "LaDonna-astes chapter 3
For everything there is a time, and a season for every purpose under heaven;
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to mow for five hours;
a time to sling a blade, and a time to get the tractor;
a time to kill the kids, and a time to heal them;
a time to tear down the camper, and a time to raise it;
a time to load the dishwasher, and a time to unload the dishwasher;
a time to laugh and take the low seat, and a time to suppress laughter and take the high seat;
a time to apply insect repellent, and a time to napalm the !@##$ nest with gasoline;
a time for the scattering of housecats, and a time for the gathering up of housecats;
a time for chaining the dogs, and a time for releasing the dogs again;
a time for the shattering of windows, and a time for the glazing of windows;
a time for baking of morsels, and a time for melting Tupperware into plastic slag;
a time to speak, and a time to speak louder;
a time to flit about, and a time to perch;
and a time for humoring the houseguest, and a time for slapping the houseguest about the head;

For there is never, EVER, a time for the tickling of feet.....

Humorously yours,
Alexander, Scribe of Funnibone"