Tragedy

There is a quote from one of my favorite movies that rings so true many times in my life, and again recently. It says, "It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they are over before they start although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable."
For the last few days the following has been true in my life. It is something that is deep, and personal, and not often shared publicly. I expect for some readers this will prove to show sensitivity or even the lack there of by my stating these truths. Please indulge me to release some of this pain from tragic news.

My heart breaks and feels as if it has been torn into pieces with this news. I know the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when I heard and can only imagine the pain that those closest must be feeling. The constant thoughts of "what if" and "why" must be trolling through their minds. The wonderment of what they may have been able to prevent or at the very least notice an out of character moment can be a form of torture to the soul. "If I'd made that phone call or if I'd sent that email would things have turned out differently?" will only tear the person questioning apart at their very core.

I sat hungry and frustrated by being delayed for my meal while cryptic messages of request for my presence were repeatedly sent to me until I finally made the phone call to inquire what was so bloody important that I could not be permitted to enjoy even an hour to myself. Immediately upon hearing the voice on the other end of the line I knew that all the frustrated emotions I had felt were for naught. To be honest there was a piece of me that felt foolish and even selfish for having had these emotions. It was obvious that someone else was hurting far deeper than I knew at that moment. Somewhere during the course of cryptic messages I figured out the category the 'news' could be placed in, and yet the shock I felt when the news was finally shared was unimaginable. The feelings of hunger vanished and were replaced by utter heartbreak. Some of the first words I managed to speak were to find out what we could do to help. "What needs to be done?" Of course at that early point nothing could be done just yet, we had to wait and pray for the people that I love who in turn loved the one now gone. And so we have been.

I can attest from previous experience that one of the fastest ways to lose weight is to lose someone close to you. For myself in this case I'm sure I haven't lost any substantial amount of weight however I do know the amount of sleep I have lost as my spirit has been crushed for my friends. The short amount of time I've gotten to spend with them revealed a completely broken person. Sure we had laughs about some unrelated things, and we talked about other things we care about and find interesting, but lying just below the surface was the spirit of a soul shattered. Granted this soul has their barriers adequately in place to protect their bruised heart, but when you know them as I do, you see straight to their heart. There is a part of me that wants to simply hold their heart for them as it heals so that they do not have to endure the pain and agony that will be coming in the weeks and months ahead and at the same time, I know that they must endure in order to grow.

I've solicited prayers from people who have no idea who I'm praying for or what about but they know me and the pain I feel and are willing to lift the entire situation to our Father. For them I am grateful because I know that without their prayers, I would not have the strength to pray for the ones hurting deeper than I am. This entire event has caused me to reflect upon the quote I stated at the beginning and serve to remind me that nothing is for granted. Every moment of every day is a gift, and true to the Word in Ecclesiastes some of those gifts come in shiny, happy packages, and some of them come with pain and agony, but they all come for a reason from our Father who ultimately wants us to cry on His shoulder while we ache so that we may grow and be able to stand for our loved ones when they are unable to stand themselves.

Have you ever considered how foolish a people we are? Recently it's been more dominant in my mind than normal. There have been many things that could have brought this to reality, and who knows perhaps they all did in their own small ways.

For myself I have been forced to stop for a moment and reflect on our foolishness as well as our selfishness. We do not even stop for a mere moment in time to assess the people surrounding us. Or if we do, we do it so quickly and through smudge covered lenses that all we manage to see is the shell of the person or persons. Do we really ever stop and see the person? I can be accused of this just as quickly as I can make accusation. There are plenty of times in my history when I can say that I was guilty of simply looking at the outside of a person. We have been challenged at work the last few weeks to hand out one personal workers testament every week. This has caused me to notice all the people that on any other day I would have only passed by without a second glance. I find myself curious of their stories, I want to know for myself that I at least was obedient enough to leave a testament with that meal tip. Not simply to fulfill a challenge at work, but to have the knowledge that perhaps in some small way I have influenced them for the Kingdom.
How hard is this obedience thing? Not only in leaving a Bible or taking a moment to listen to the story of a stranger, but also in our lives with the people we are in closest proximity to daily. Are we not commanded by our God to love one another? Since we are, in fact, how is it possible then for any one of us to walk around as if we are immune to God's commands? Plain and simple--we aren't! Just as I said I have been guilty of doing this very thing. How many times have I just been feeling sorry for myself, or tired, or in a funk that I just plain didn't care about 'the least of these'?

This realization hits me hard and right where it hurts, because it needs to. But it has also caused my resolve to muster up again and be reminded that while I am human and will have days when I falter, there is no need for me to punish any others. As I've stated multiple times over, don't judge me and my life based on one interaction when you have no idea what path I'm currently trodding. Just the same, I have not, and never plan to judge you and yours. Believe me when I say that I have enough 'life' happening to me in my corner of the world that I certainly need not concern myself with how you are living and acting in yours. However, when one manages to cross the bridge and uninvited invade my own circumstances in a way that does not wish to help me better myself or uplift me when I'm on the ground with a skinned knee my resolve to be obedient is tested.

Yet still in the midst of all things, I do not ever seek to cause harm, or to hurt a potential non-believer's view of the Jesus I (a self proclaimed Christ follower) claim to imitate. Truth be told, I have tried many times over in circumstances less than desirable to be obedient and in some of them have been successful. Sadly, more often than not it ends with a parting of relationships and the realization that my gut instincts about them were to be trusted after all. It is this that makes me sad and infuriated in the same moment. Sad because of the relationships that could have been had obedience from God been adhered to and infuriated because I know that even though I'd rather write it off as a complete waste of my time, nothing happens by accident or chance and that there is something to be gained that will aid me in my life as I go on. C'est la vie or as Doris Day immortalized "Que Sera Sera".

In the meantime I will continue to live with my heart open to the teachings and leading from God so that hopefully I will never cause another to experience what I have personally.

Here's to all of you who stick through with me when I've fallen and have that bruised and scratched knee! Thanks for the band-aids and neosporin you've brought into my life. I'm able to heal and move on because of your help and love.