Everyone has days, good and bad. Everyone has seasons. Some seasons seem to last longer than others. Personally winter seems to have taken a permanent residence if nowhere but my mind, though I doubt it. Normal seasons include strong and deep emotions that generally are processed through in due course. This recent season however has brought along some extreme extreme emotions; ones I have been ill equipped to handle. Ones that have truly hurt my heart, deeply. I can't list out any specific point where this began, but I know some of the pieces that have contributed.
One of the biggest, if not the biggest has been watching the big dawg go through some of the most hostile treatment at work. The only reason for it is because a couple of old timers don't like that someone much younger and with little experience in their field has come in and been trained and is now held as someone who has the authority to give them instructions. This entire situation hurts my heart in ways I am unable to express. In my personality, I want resolution immediately. I just keep talking to God and telling Him that I trust Him no matter what, and I do; but I'm telling Him as much to remind myself as anything.
If I'm completely honest, a large portion has also been the realization that the last good, deep friend I had close by has moved home-- home, eleven hours away. While my heart breaks and grieves at this loss, I am also happy for her because she has greatly missed being there and it is vital to her wellbeing to be close. The hope of future visits spurs us on.
There have been many other small winters that have popped up over these few months, it's not been a banner year for sure. So why crying over silverware? Simple. It was while standing at the sink, washing silverware that all this "winter" hit me full force. I sat in the floor and cried at the hurt I feel and smiled at the happy all while asking God to speak loudly because I need His voice to drown out everything else and I need Him to hold my heart for awhile.
