Spending time reflecting over the recent past has proved a challenge. By nature I'm an extrovert. I love being out and about among people, even if I don't interact with them. Funny thing though is that people are probably the number one thing that gets under my skin. Isn't irony ironic? Recently I've been exercising my introspectiveness. I've spent time questioning nearly everything about myself. Who am I really? What makes whatever the answer is to that true? How do I really know that the answer is real?
To say I've been a hot mess doesn't seem to quite capture the depth of pain and anguish that's been a near constant companion. Now before any of you begin to go into 'fix-it' or 'rescue' mode, let me ask you to wait a moment. Everything has not been one giant cesspool of a terrible life recently--there have been moments and pockets of time that were glorious respites. Through this though I've come to realize that the root of the trouble at least for now is loneliness. I have an extremely wide circle of friends and people who I care about and I believe feel the same about me, but what's missing is that deep, honest to a fault, accountable friendship. Walk with me a moment through the door of nostalgia.
Back in the day I had my small group of peeps and we were inseparable. We knew each other's secrets and loved each other all the same. Absolutely there were plenty of times of frustration and growing pains, but they made us better and taught us how to live. So where am I going with all this? Simply put-- I miss my peeps. I miss truly deep levels of love from the people that let me into their lives and I reciprocate in turn. I miss the familiarity of knowing what they believe and how they are dealing with life. I miss the simplicity of just spending time together, no matter what we were or weren't doing. Do not believe me naive. I know better than many that things must change and people must come and go through our lives.
I spent the better part of last weekend hearing an alarming number of other ladies share similar feelings. How do we get all of us who are experiencing this same loneliness together to begin sharing life? I do not know the answer to it, but the hope I have for the answer being discovered is something to look forward to. Will all the current pain and questions about where I am linger? Perhaps. But more important is the belief that they will vanish somewhere down the unknown road. Even this morning a friend sent me this because this is how she sees me and what a wonderful reminder it is. So thanks current friend for this beautiful reminder and here's to you future close friendships.
