Heart Hurts (If you're easily offended stop here)

September 10, 2025

 Today I watched a man be assassinated.

Disagreeing with someone else's view and opinions should not be a deciding factor for if they are permitted to live. Nor should it determine if you are permitted to live.

Before I get too deep in, let me be clear that this is not being said to open any doors to conversations about weapons and weapon control. This goes so much deeper than anyone's ability or right to possess any kind of weapon.

My heart is grieved at the events that unfolded today. There is a young wife and mother who is facing unimaginable grief as she has to navigate losing her husband. There are two very young children who will only ever know the man their father was through stories retold by others and videos they will watch. There are dozens of other friends and family members who will forever have a piece of their lives missing; and hundreds of families who will need professional help to process what they bore witness to and experienced first hand. Likewise, there is at least one family who now has to try and wrestle with why their loved one chose violence.

This man, 31 years old who made it one of his life's missions to engage in a healthy dialogue with anyone whether they believed differently than he or not, ripped away from this world while he sat defenselessly and was actively engaged in civil dialogue.

I wish that such a heinous atrocity was a scarcity. A genuine shock. A once in a lifetime type of historical event. Unfortunately it is a nearly daily occurrence throughout our world. Gone is the naivete that the world is open to persons sharing differing opinions and still being able to live as civilized beings it seems.

Perhaps I am still just naive enough to believe that across this world the vast majority of people still are open to understanding they don't know or understand it all. People who are still willing to listen to the views and opinions of persons who may line up along a different side of an aisle. Wouldn't it be grand to have the ability to snap my fingers and have this kind of world exist instead of the one where any little thing can quickly be twisted into something divisive.

I am equally as grateful for the people in my life who agree with me as I am the one who do not. Both types provide opportunities for growth, learning and stretching.

May we all strive to learn that violence is not the solution and that we each have a responsibility to carry ourselves in a manner that brings peace instead of conflict, respect instead of contempt, and light instead of darkness.

My hope and prayer is that somehow this unfortunate event can become a catalyst for change harkening us back to civil discourse. God grant us wisdom no matter where our beliefs lie.

More than ever before: Kyrie Eleison

*Added for the social media crowd:

If you find yourself celebrating someone being publicly assassinated simply because you think he deserved it, or because he didn't line up with your beliefs and views, then you are part of the problem with this world. We can agree to disagree and still live in relative harmony contrary to what the rhetoric is trying to force us all to believe. How about we let love really win?

Rainy days with The Shins & Alexandre Desplat

This past Tuesday night it rained. 

Rained hard for the first time in quite a while. We’ve had some very sparse little showers off and on around us but it’s been rare that they’ve come right over top of us; and rarer still that it’s a storm. 

I personally love a good rain storm. I especially love the summertime ones without thunder and lightening that one can walk in. This storm was full of high wind, heavy downpours and some lightening, so indoors won. 

Aptly enough, it was a typical Tuesday so responsibilities trumped evening strolls. That and it’s no secret that I’m not taking a stroll anytime soon (Looking at you caretakers). I can however enjoy a good soundtrack in addition to the rain while decompressing from the day and cooking dinner. The playlist for this specific night is fairly short since dinner was not complex and consisted of The Shins “New Slang”and some Alexandre Desplat “The Grand Budapest Hotel soundtrack” with a side of Til Brönner’s “Ach, blieb mit denier Grande” (Oh, Stay with your grace). 

Sometimes you just need a selection of lesser known music to set the tone.

Blog Resurrection

I’ve had a significant quantity of people over the past few months question where my writings disappeared to and why I stopped posting them and share how much they were missed. Initially I was skeptical—not of the genuineness in the comments, but in whether or not the writings really mattered. If anyone really and truly did care to find some sort of meaning, comfort, frustration, understanding, curiosity, etc. in my wandering thoughts. After enough people, many of whom are not connected to one another in any way other than each knowing me in some way, mentioned missing these musings it got me thinking. Just not quite thinking enough to put it into practice, or maybe just enough to stop me. 

Either way, I realize it’s been nearly three years since I shared my ramblings. So much life has happened in this gap to all of us, some good and some not so good. The interesting thing though is that the theme that’s been rolling around in my mind for the past few months seems to pick up right where I left off, but with a slightly different twist. Go ahead all you human psychological behavior nerds and think to yourselves that this could likely mean that I’ve been emotionally or mentally stationary these last three years if I’m still stuck on the same theme. I certainly thought it about myself, then I realized that I have in fact weathered a great deal in this timeframe and that funnily enough the same concern of my heart and mind exists in spite of all the global trauma we’ve all endured; except now there are more than just my voice singing this song. 

While my offers to keep the USPS employed and to get to know people are still on the table, they come with an understanding, disclosure or if calling it a rule suits you better then so be it, though I hesitate to go there. It is simply this: Please keep right on passing by if you’re only going to make time for a shallow friendship. Hear my heart please, I’m not saying I don’t have time or a need for you in my life—you have a place and chances are you’re already rocking it. However please know there is a loss of intimacy in the fringe, a missing out if you will on ever really knowing anything about one another. This is more for the ones who are living on that edge and are wrestling with taking the leap into something deeper or remaining on the fringe. For those of you who want to remain on the fringe and only ever read these thoughts in passing, I say you go on and rock that fringe, again, there is a place for you here. 

For the ones of you willing to risk it and make the leap, know that this is a judgement free place—though I must go ahead and tell you that judgement free does not mean stagnant. If, on this journey there are things that either of us notices that can be better or is a blind spot, have the courage to say so from a place of love. You may get told to shut up for a moment but if you’re trying to help build a better person and relationship then just as quickly you’ll be told what was pointed out is something that needs further consideration. Likely your thoughts and opinions will be sought after. 

All we have to remember is we’re all just trying to find our niche and the people crazy enough to hang out with us when we do. So, for all of you who intentionally or unintentionally made a comment about missing these shenanigans, thank you, and happy reading and commenting. 

Let's do life, together.

Let me warn you at the beginning, this will be long. If you've only got two minutes, table it and come back when you can read it all the way through. 

I recently read a post someone shared about things from their childhood and it got me thinking.

I remember as a kid the constants in life and how badly I miss them. Everything from regular life events, school, family gatherings, meals, church activities and vacations. Even all the times hearing if I would bother to apply myself just a bit farther or harder I could be top of the game. All of these things shaped who I am today. I wouldn't trade anything for the memories and lessons. The people that were the constants in this life I lived made it what it is. They were there through all the fun times and the summer travels, multiple housing moves, birthdays and holidays. But they were also there during the hard times; the sicknesses, the relationship struggles, kid issues, health concerns and deaths. These people hung in and didn't disappear into their own universes when things got hard. They taught me how to love and be loved. That being said, what I would trade is nearly anything to have some of that in life now. What I want and need is people who are willing to take the risk and do life alongside me and mine.

Before those of you that have been, at various points, right here walking this life road with me get all wound up, sit down. Be patient and hear me out. I have loved you at various points on this path and still do. Circumstances and major life events have put a geographical distance between many of us. For the few that are still somewhat close by, crazy schedules means we rarely get face time. For each and every one of you whether close by or far away, know that I love you all deeply and am so thankful for technology that allows us to easily keep in contact (Though I won't lie, I'm still on the hunt for a pen pal if any of you is interested in keeping the USPS employed with me). I want to take the moment to tell each of you how grateful I am for all of the life we've been through. You guys have listened to me tell stories, cry, scream, and heaven knows vent. You've let me in on your secrets and see all your ugly parts, and you've stuck around during mine. I've gotten to hold your babies, play with your kids, mentor your middle and high schoolers and listen to your stories about them and theirs about you. We're never going to lose our bonds even when we don't get to spend quality face time together. If anything here you hear, know I thank you and love you for this. These words that follow are not so much for you, but feel free to read on.

This is more a lifeline for people who are nearby and willing to take a risk and be vulnerable. What I'm curious to find is if there are still new people around me who are willing to peel back the onion layers and do this thing called life alongside me and mine. Are you willing to share your dreams, your highs, lows, and stale times? Are you willing to share the heartaches and hurts; the secrets? Are there still chairs around your table to meet new people? Or maybe to just say to someone like me, "I've seen you around but never gotten to really know you." Or is your life too crowded and busy? Maybe you have enough close by friends still that this doesn't really resonate to you. My hope for you is that you treasure them and that reality if you still have it.

I'd be willing to bet though that there's more than just me out there feeling this way. If so, please know that I'd love to get to know you and yours and hear your story. I’d love to hold your babies if you want a break or be a mentor to your middle or high schooler. I'd love to get together once a week, month whatever and have dinner in one of our homes just because. Friendships don't have to be surrounded by an event or outing; let's get back to the simple things. Let's get to the real life stuff. Come on over for a movie night or spend a Saturday running errands together or watching football. I'm willing to get in the mud with you so we're all better and stronger on the other side. I'll even hand you a towel. 🙂
Any takers? 

Dancing solo in a crowded room

Some months ago I mentioned to the big dawg that I missed my peeps. The topic came to us as we were reflecting on many things including how fortunate we've been to have had the people in our lives that we have. I know in my heart that I was still reeling from so many things that happened in 2018 and I was honestly just tired of it and ready for a new year. Don't get me wrong, I am exceptionally aware of so many good things that came from 2018 as well and I have spent and will continue to spend quality time feeling grateful and holding these truths near to my heart. But, there's something that in spite of everything good and bad that just keeps nagging at my soul. That is I miss having peeps around me. Some of them have been mentioned here, but there are many others.
Life being life has taken us all to places we hardly imagined when that previous post was penned--and if you had asked us then we probably would have said no matter where life was going, we'd get there together. But life is funny that way and here we are all spread out throughout the country and we keep in contact as much as we can but it is definitely a challenge. So what am I getting at? Simple. For more of us than possibly care to admit, we feel oftentimes as if we are dancing solo in a crowded room. Even though we may be in the midst of people we care a great deal for, we are alone.  Living as more spectators to the lives around us than participants with. Often this is because we're the new kid and people just haven't gotten to know us yet; but what if we're the new kid still years later? It wears at you, that's what. The depressing reality is that the people we're around still don't know us deep and take the time to learn and understand what makes us tick. They're busy sharing life with each other because they still have their peeps close at hand. I wish them nothing less than these times and hope they can treasure them the way I did when I was in their place. But I also hope that they can be aware of the people watching from the sidelines and remembering how good it felt to have that. Maybe it's something just in a shift in the dynamic of the world or a generational thing (side note: I think "generational things" get blamed for too much) but this seems to be a growing trend. In the last few months there have been multiple people from various stages and seasons of life who have expressed similar feelings to these of mine. I believe firmly that we've intersected and at least had mention of these types of struggles as an encouragement to one another to not lose heart. Webster defines lonely as "being without company". You can sit in the most crowded of places and still be lonely for one of many reasons. Personally it tends to be more because people are under the impression that I have such a wide circle of friends and family that my life is somehow constantly occupied. In reality my life is occupied by the same mundane chores as everyone else and some of the same interests. Truth is I don't mind spending quality time with peeps doing the mundane things if it means we're developing a depth of friendship and mutual care to where we can be comfortable sharing our hurts, our concerns, our joys, our triumphs and setbacks with someone to be accountable to besides a spouse. Bring it on I say. One of my peeps said it perhaps best when we were early into our friendship when she's stated and I paraphrase, "...you're everyone's Lucy. Their go to to vent or process through or cry on a shoulder or merely confide without judgement. You have such a wide circle of acquaintances who are friendly, but you have no confidants anymore--everyone has died or moved far away so there's something lost." Possibly no truer words have been said of me in a long time. She said them out of love and care, and I love her for it...even if she did move far away. 🙂
All of this to say, if you're at a place in life where your peeps are nearby and you have the depth to really be accountable to one another, treasure it. If like me, you're more on the outside looking in, chin up. Pull yourself up and keep going. Keep forcing yourself to put yourself out there and be at risk or vulnerable. Keep determining to get out there and grow your number of friends who become peeps. Who knows, maybe one day we'll find each other and won't be dancing solo anymore. Anyone down for movie nights, rock band, or table games?

Crying over silverware

Everyone has days, good and bad. Everyone has seasons. Some seasons seem to last longer than others. Personally winter seems to have taken a permanent residence if nowhere but my mind, though I doubt it. Normal seasons include strong and deep emotions that generally are processed through in due course. This recent season however has brought along some extreme extreme emotions; ones I have been ill equipped to handle. Ones that have truly hurt my heart, deeply. I can't list out any specific point where this began, but I know some of the pieces that have contributed.
One of the biggest, if not the biggest has been watching the big dawg go through some of the most hostile treatment at work. The only reason for it is because a couple of old timers don't like that someone much younger and with little experience in their field has come in and been trained and is now held as someone who has the authority to give them instructions. This entire situation hurts my heart in ways I am unable to express. In my personality, I want resolution immediately. I just keep talking to God and telling Him that I trust Him no matter what, and I do; but I'm telling Him as much to remind myself as anything.
If I'm completely honest, a large portion has also been the realization that the last good, deep friend I had close by has moved home-- home, eleven hours away. While my heart breaks and grieves at this loss, I am also happy for her because she has greatly missed being there and it is vital to her wellbeing to be close. The hope of future visits spurs us on.
There have been many other small winters that have popped up over these few months, it's not been a banner year for sure. So why crying over silverware? Simple. It was while standing at the sink, washing silverware that all this "winter" hit me full force. I sat in the floor and cried at the hurt I feel and smiled at the happy all while asking God to speak loudly because I need His voice to drown out everything else and I need Him to hold my heart for awhile.

Knew you when

Anyone else ever have the struggle of having people who 'knew you when' not be able to know you now? It's like they are forever stunted in their belief about who you are. Perhaps this is a just me scenario though I suspect it is much more common than any of us admits.

This past year and some change has been one of the most rewarding and most trying simultaneously. Challenging in feeling utterly betrayed by a group of people who should have behaved better and should have had my back while rewarding in finding a place where I truly fit in and where my ideas and opinions are valued as is my time. A place where no one is abused or penalized simply because they are good at something. This has made so many other things over the last year enjoyable.

Trying in the sense of losing my posse to some extent and not knowing exactly what that may look like going forward. In this case there was no betrayal or hurt had as much as there was just the reality of being in very different seasons and needing to cultivate what the going forward might look like.  I'd be completely lying if I said it's been great or super fun during this process. It 100% hasn't been and has made me question it more than a few times as well as long for the times when I had a posse I knew I could call for any reason at anytime.  On the flip side, being in this place has given me a chance to step out and begin to get to know new people. Still not a posse, but perhaps one day.

This year has brought reward in reconciled family relationships after nearly twenty years. There's still plenty of challenge involved and yet they are almost welcomed in a way to see how this can continue to grow as we learn who one another is. We've come a long way thus far and we still have plenty of ground to cover.

All of these things are good things and things that provide opportunity for growth and depth as a person sure, but still I find myself being left wondering about those peeps who can't seem to see who I am today. I certainly don't claim to be anything special or deserving of anything spectacular, I aim to be genuine. Sometimes I am genuine to a fault and I have to check myself, but I make no apologies for being real. Firmly rooted into my moral code is to be true to who you are no matter what someone else thinks. The crazy thing for me is that it seems for some people there is a belief that a person is forever and always one way, or rooted in one type of thought, attitude, etc. There is no allowance for a person to grow and change. Just as the tide ebbs and flows, so a person who understands the need to always strive to be the best version of themselves is constantly open to adjustments and sways to life. I'm not speaking of altering a moral code or going against beliefs, but about not remaining stubborn and resolute about things that need to move and change. And so, currently I find myself searching to make sure I'm not being one of the 'knew you when' people all while working to make sure I'm open to stretching in my own areas of stubborn stupidity.

The struggle is more real than ever.

Introspective reflections

Spending time reflecting over the recent past has proved a challenge. By nature I'm an extrovert. I love being out and about among people, even if I don't interact with them. Funny thing though is that people are probably the number one thing that gets under my skin. Isn't irony ironic? Recently I've been exercising my introspectiveness. I've spent time questioning nearly everything about myself. Who am I really? What makes whatever the answer is to that true? How do I really know that the answer is real?

To say I've been a hot mess doesn't seem to quite capture the depth of pain and anguish that's been a near constant companion. Now before any of you begin to go into 'fix-it' or 'rescue' mode, let me ask you to wait a moment. Everything has not been one giant cesspool of a terrible life recently--there have been moments and pockets of time that were glorious respites. Through this though I've come to realize that the root of the trouble at least for now is loneliness. I have an extremely wide circle of friends and people who I care about and I believe feel the same about me, but what's missing is that deep, honest to a fault, accountable friendship. Walk with me a moment through the door of nostalgia.

Back in the day I had my small group of peeps and we were inseparable. We knew each other's secrets and loved each other all the same. Absolutely there were plenty of times of frustration and growing pains, but they made us better and taught us how to live. So where am I going with all this? Simply put-- I miss my peeps. I miss truly deep levels of love from the people that let me into their lives and I reciprocate in turn. I miss the familiarity of knowing what they believe and how they are dealing with life. I miss the simplicity of just spending time together, no matter what we were or weren't doing. Do not believe me naive. I know better than many that things must change and people must come and go through our lives.

I spent the better part of last weekend hearing an alarming number of other ladies share similar feelings. How do we get all of us who are experiencing this same loneliness together to begin sharing life? I do not know the answer to it, but the hope I have for the answer being discovered is something to look forward to. Will all the current pain and questions about where I am linger? Perhaps. But more important is the belief that they will vanish somewhere down the unknown road. Even this morning a friend sent me this because this is how she sees me and what a wonderful reminder it is. So thanks current friend for this beautiful reminder and here's to you future close friendships.

The Space Between

Isn't the space between supposed to be just that? The between. It's meant to be the filler between two grander acts in life or so we've been lied to and told all of our lives. In reality, the space between is the grand act.

What am I getting at? Simple, we've got it all upside down. I am as guilty as the next person in this. Reasons vary from one to another, sure but we all experience and feel it. For me recently it's that twinge of 'this isn't where I fit' and the brutality of knowing that means the difficulty and frustration of once again finding the right fit looms. Add in the mix other people and you're quickly creating a cocktail that could easily take you out.

When you find yourself not really fitting into any one place well, it opens up this space. It tends to feel really lonely in the emptiness and very much like you've become an island in search of an archipelago to join. The need to fit into a community is astoundingly overwhelming and it causes us sometimes to float away on our island to learn more about ourselves and seek out the group we most similarly resemble, all in the name of not remaining an island.

Are you following here? The island is the space between. It is those times when you're searching that vast space to find a place to belong. Why not just stay in the archipelago you came from someone will ask. It is a completely acceptable, if expected question but no one really wants to hear the response. It makes them uncomfortable. The response is simply that in order to continue to grow and learn in this life, you have to sometimes leave your comfort zone and move to the place where you have more similarities again than differences. This doesn't mean you forget where you came from or all you've shared, in fact those things are a comfort while you're floating because you know you'll have them again one day. Until you do, you just have to learn in the space between. 

Things that envelop the senses and stir the soul

It's been quite a long while since I posted a top 10 list. Here's some things that envelop my senses and stir my soul. 

1. The smell of the ocean.

2. The smell of a fresh rainstorm.

These first two are sort of multipart because they are invigorating in so many ways.

3. A proper hug. 

4. A beautifully painted sunrise.

5. The smell of freshly brewed hot tea or fresh coffee grounds. 

6. Music.

7. A long walk.

8. The smell of carbureted engines.

9. The bright full moon.

10. The sounds of friends and family conversing across the meal table.

Ask me sometime about these and many others and I'll do my best to share why. 

Blame it on the week--end

Going into this past weekend my friends and family would tell you I had been well behaved and not played one Christmas song or watched even one Christmas show or movie. Enter our annual ladies retreat over the weekend and... The theme this year was Christmas and to say I was anticipating it would be a gross understatement.

I'm typing as I listen to/watch White Christmas, blame it on the weekend. Pray for the big dawg because now that it's started he will be inundated with it for at least three months. The fact that I quietly quote the entire thing and sing each song is purely a bonus, for me at least.

Christmastime for me is a time being very torn between anticipation and nostalgia. Perhaps that is true for everyone. But leading into retreat weekend I found myself living with pure anticipation. I was excited to be at one of my favorite places; to spend time with dear, dear friends (didn't do enough of this); hopeful to become better acquainted with newer friends (did some of this); and see how God would show up (did lots of this). Circumstances happened to a few key players ahead of this retreat that meant that many of us unexpectantly were asked to step up and fill gaps at the last minute. My heart began to ache for the ones that I knew would be missing and once I arrived the anticipation began to feel more like nostalgia. In many ways it felt like a mix between a family reunion and summer camp. 

Truth is, I wish it had been summer camp. The depth of friendship and transparency with these ladies is something that I do not take lightly and wish I had the opportunity to do more frequently. Between the sermons about the "gifts" of Christmas I found my spirit wondering. I began to evaluate the people in my life most frequently and the people who once were. No doubt this is dangerous territory being analytical about relationships, but it's my perspective. I thought about the substance of life that I am sharing and have shared with these ladies and found that true to form, I completely enjoy the company of many different ages and life situations and am better for it. But I move closer to best when I realize that I get to learn so much from the ones who are more experienced than I and when it's needed, share that wisdom with a side of my own experiences to those coming behind me. 

I also realized that I need to make a concerted effort to balance my time between them. I am still growing and learning and the only way to have a chance to speak life into the ones behind me is if I am willing to have it spoken to me. That may mean that at times I do not agree or am argumentative or even on occasion downright obstinate because I don't like the current experience, but I am trusting that I will continually remember this weekend and the things I learned inside and outside of the services and be open to the leading of the Spirit.

And so as my movie wraps up and my heart is full I'm now torn between pulling all of my organizer bins from their storage and making my house look like Christmas morning beginning tomorrow or being patient to experience the life in between now and then. You know what I'll do, but the truth needed to be shared.  Like I said, blame it on the weekend. 

Age is relative, right?

Even Webster is incapable of nailing down a specific example of ‘age’. Rather it covers all the possible bases within the English language; good on you Webster.

As somewhat frustrating as that is, it fits doesn’t it? How does one define age, truly? Sure we’ve all heard, and probably said things such as ‘age is just a number’, ‘act your age’, ‘you’re as young as you feel’, etc. All these things are true at varying times in our lives, but how exactly can you define age?

After some interesting encounters one day a few weeks ago this thought began rolling around 

my brain. That day I had interacted with people of nearly every decade of ‘age’, but the irony struck me in the evening. One of the conversations I had during the day was with a very precocious three year old that’s going on thirty. During our conversation she was asking about people’s ages and I asked her how old she thought was considered old. This is a deadly question I know, but I wanted to see what her thoughts were. She pulled a number that lives somewhere in the mid-twenties and said it was super old. I had to smile at that and tell her then that I was definitely ‘old’ to her; a point that she argued and I happily allowed it. The epiphanic moment happened that evening when I was conversing with someone in their mid-fifties. During the course of conversation after a comment I made they acknowledged its truth, but did so with emphasis on the wisdom of my youth. That got me really thinking.

In the course of less than twenty four hours, I’d been at both ends of the spectrum. I even said it to the mid-fifties person. To someone somewhere I’m supremely old and ancient, not quite irrelevant, but not quite applicable and yet to someone else I’m considered extremely young. It’s very much like seasonings isn’t it? You prepare a fresh seasoning for something and it’s so robust at the start but over time as it is stored and used the flavor begins to fade slightly. This is not true of the person I was talking with, but the irony was and still is not lost on me that no matter if you’re considered very young or very old the practicality of your usefulness wanes and people tend to take you for granted, or not give you the appropriate consideration of importance.

And so, as I find myself closer to the forties decade than not I still ask the question. How exactly can you define age?

Living examples?

I wrote this a few weeks ago and have toyed with if it should be posted or not. I still find it somewhat surreal that it happened but more than that I find it humbling. 

Today I find myself in a very unique place. Someone who had extremely limited knowledge of my life pre where I am now was and is taking every opportunity to witness to a co-worker. In their effort they mentioned me as an example that it is possible to be in a working environment that has every appearance of being hostile and remain a healthy Christ follower. While it made my heart swell that this person thought of me, I had to check some of the finer points for complete accuracy. I told this person that in my very core I could not abandon my faith just because my working environment made it challenging. So now they say their co-worker wants to hear my story about how that can be. 

Honestly, it's not something I have ever thought about; until today. Upon reflection my mind is teeming with examples of people throughout the Bible who did not abandon their faith. If anything their faith grew stronger. People like Moses and Aaron, Noah, Daniel, Nehemiah, Amos, Salmon, the remaining disciples after the deaths of Jesus and Judas, Paul, e.g. The list could go on. My point is that I realized that it has been when I'm in the most difficult places in life is where and when my faith stretches the most.

Recounting some of the experiences that lead to my realizing the growth, I would be lying if I said that I would enjoy doing them all again. And yet I think if I had the chance, I wouldn't change any of them. They may have cut me the deepest and taken the longest to heal, but the journey has been completely worth it. After all, life is all about the journeys we get to experience and people we get to meet on the way to our destination. Just so long as we keep our eyes on the destination and how we will bring others along with us. 

Sometimes you need a hug

How is it that one sentence can comfort and hurt so much simultaneously? Just the same, why does everyone either miss it completely when you're at your breaking point or freeze for lack of certainty how to respond when you're always the strong one?

I miss so terribly having people who get real with me around all the time. I miss the comraderie, the honesty...the love. They kept me honest. They made me better. They demanded the best in me to win over the bad. I need that in life. I don't want to remain stuck where I am, I want to do more, to be more. But at the same time I don't want to be discontent with where I am if I am here to grow and learn.

I find myself introspective today. What is it that keeps me where I am? A few solicited suggested are that my outspokenness, stubbornness and general sense of holding people as accountable as I expect to be are to blame. Maybe they are, but whether or not it's true I'm searching. I want to be the best me. Perhaps in my jaded view I convinced myself that I am doing a good job of picking my battles and style adjusting when in reality I'm failing miserably and no one told me. The saying goes when it rains it pours. 

So today I had my reminders or reality checks in spades. Today for many reasons was wonderful and it was hard for just as many. The one person who did notice can't do anything about it, not that they didn't offer. Just sometimes you need a hug. 

Reality in this moment...

Recently I found myself home alone and became completely enamored with a history documentary. I mean it was full on nerding out and I am not even a little ashamed, in fact quite the contrary. I loved it! It felt so wonderful to sit and learn about the history of people I had never learned much about, ask me sometime and I'll gladly tell you about it.
This particular evening was a postlude to some very trying days. In particular was the day that I realized that this

 has been 20 years true.
Not every day was a complete wash; I did have one in there where I willingly pushed myself through exhaustion to support one of the families headed to Africa next month from our church, and as a bonus got to see a friend unexpectedly, met some new peeps, and got sweet kisses from another dear friends' pup who was "on tour" with the new peeps while her owners were out of town. That was a delightful respite from the reality in this moment of life.
Too often of late my mind and body have seemed to be in an ever existing battle with my soul, and with themselves.  The struggle is very real and to admit that it's time for something to change is perhaps the most difficult part. I've been at war with myself and not wanted to admit its truth, but knowing all the while that I had to. Weeks recently have been ones of confusion it seems. I told some of the people closest to me where I am, have been, and know I need to head. They love me anyway and somehow through it all still see the good in me, it is inspiring.
During this season there have been days that were so dark I wasn't sure if I'd survive them and yet God always put at least one person in my path to shed light. I am forever grateful to their obedience even when they were unaware of it, maybe especially so. I'm reminded that there are always constants in life and that God is the epicenter of all of them. In spite of everything in these shadows my faith never waivered and if I'm truly transparent, has grown stronger as I feel myself being pulled into the chasm that is God's love and strength. I am reminded that God is my shield and defender and that means from everything, even my own thoughts if need be. So while this season is existing and will be a daily struggle to move beyond, I know I will succeed because God will go ahead of me and be right beside me the whole time. St. Patrick had it right so many years ago, "above and below me, before and behind me, in every eye that sees me Christ be all around me." How fitting for us to remember it still.

Faith and Comfort Zones

The question was posed about if we believe that walking by faith requires us to step out of our comfort zone. While I can see exactly why and how people are 100% believing this is true, I can't help but think that if we are truly seeking to live and walk according to God's will that our comfort zone will be where God tells us to go and what God tells us to do. Is it so far-fetched to believe that we could come to a place where we are so accustomed to knowing that everything that God directs is going to accomplish what He has intended for it, in spite of our decisions that may "mess" it up? 

Society absolutely believes that it's ludicrous to think so, but what do we say as the "church"? If we really stop and evaluate our belief do we think it's lunacy or do we realize that it's completely normal? If we are striving to live for God the best way we know how wouldn't it be second nature (inadvertent), just like breathing in and breathing out, for us to never really question when things occur in our lives and we realize (whether in the moment or after) that we moved in faith? 

What opportunities do we have to grow in our relationship with God before it becomes second nature and our comfort zone is simply following God? 

Winds of change

Too long I've left this blog unattended. I feel it in my spirit and know it in my mind. I have not completely neglected my journaling though it did take a sabbatical of sorts.

So what can I tell you? Well the theme over the last year has been change. With change comes flexibility for certain but it's a delicate balance to bend and not break. The lives of the Big Dawg and I changed radically when we determined to sell our house. It's true that any type of selling and buying a home is challenging at the least. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love spending time looking at houses. There's something deep in me that sometimes looks to steal decorating ideas or organizational tips.
Be honest, you know you've done it.
So we put the house out there with a fantastic team of realtors and were given a list of items we needed to have done before it could actually go on the market. There's enough that happened getting that done to write many posts. So we began all that and had someone who was interested and put an offer before we were finished with our list. We hot-footed it then to find somewhere to live. We found the perfect place and made an offer that was accepted. We now worked to complete our list and begin the process of packing and purging; all the while thinking we are good to close on both houses on time.
Remember I said we must be flexible during change? We had a lesson that honestly I think we could have done without. Twenty days out from closing the man who had an offer on our house changed jobs, thus rendering him unqualified for a mortgage. When it was all said and done, we technically sold our house three times in thirty days. The second backed out when she, as a single lady decided she's not really ready for home ownership. The third one stuck and we were thrilled. In the end, God had all the timing worked out just as He always does.
The winds of change haven't completely left us just yet, I can feel it, but I dare say for the moment some of the biggest changes are behind us until a new adventure pops up. As has been said, Life is not about the destination but the journey. Too often I think we get too focused on our destinations and forget to enjoy the journey we're on. Take a moment and evaluate your landscape, when was the last time you enjoyed the journey?

Friends

I often wonder about some of the funny things in this life. For instance, what on Earth led me to be friends with some of the best people on the planet? I sometimes am in awe at some of the beautiful people who grace and enrich my life. God has absolutely blessed me in abundance with good friends. Equally I find it interesting how people who aren't yet close friends will move themselves to where they have me close to them. The human persona and psyche do continually fascinate me.

Some of my most favorite and talented friends keep my life far from dull.

Renee-chop, Sock Monkey & Mommie2Five keep me grounded and humble and make me laugh when I need it. They are the first ones to volunteer to stand up for me when I can't myself, beside me when I can and in front of me when I need to calm down. We have laughed together, cried together, hurt together, played together, loved together and prayed through some mess together. I love you girls so much for the friendships we get to have.

Mrs. South Carolina is the rarest and dare I say most needed type of friend. She shares her strength when I am at my lowest and will let me just be. Sure we can be so absorbed in one another that we take up all the space in the room but just as easily we can sit side by side for hours and never need to speak. There's a silent language spoken between us and that can be enough. You've seen me at one of my lowest and darkest hours and you loved me through it. I love your happy-go-lucky "bring it on" attitude.

The Commanders constantly entertain my life. Your humor and encouragement mean more than I say. The road trips, camp outs, holidays, video games, meals and crazy days have kept me on my toes. Your friendships are more like family and I selfishly don't ever want to be without them.

I absolutely cannot leave out the one person to whom I have given my heart. Your love overwhelms me and I do not deserve it. You have loved me when I was unlovable, walked with me through pain and sorrow, put me in check when I got too big for my own good and made me laugh at your dry humor. You're my Kleenex when I'm sad and my sunshine when I'm grey. Thank you for loving me and my crazy brain.

The Songstress & her Trouble-making husband bless my life with wonderful music and a wicked sense of humor. Some of the best practical jokes I've ever encountered-- both from a distance and as a recipient have come from you. I am blessed by your child-like faith and your profound wisdom more than I tell you, forgive me for not telling you more often. Thank you for your openness and your joy, it's contagious. Your humor keeps my heart light and happy, your perspective on things both funny and serious is a gift. Never feel inadequate.

The curmudgeonly "old" man with the sweetest wife ever is definitely someone who has helped enrich my life. From our initial uncertainty about ever beginning to be able to get along to the required, and ever missed, hugs each time we visit. My how far we have come! You have given me an outlet when I was frustrated and challenged me to be better at every turn. For this I am a better person than I used to be and the laughter we have shared around the dinner table is some of my favorite times.

And I would be hard pressed to forget the Ya-ya's! You girls are such a delight! You are the friends with whom there are no limits to our lives. We've spent some time laughing and some time crying, but we've had some incredible times of prayer and praise. We've decorated, re-decorated, hunted graves, yelled at sports, shopped, road-tripped and so much more. The memories are priceless and so vast that I am so glad to able to cherish them.

There are SO many more that I could list and the spice and flavor that you each bring to my life keeps me living life to it's fullest.

I truly have been blessed by some amazing people who love me and I in turn them. You provide me simple things through your unbelievable talents (Jewelers, Artists, Singers, Scrapbookers, Photographers, etc. You know who you are) and I never take them for granted but it is your depth of care and love for me and my life that I hold dearest. I hope each and every one of you knows how much I count it a privilege to call you friend.

Competitive nature

One thing I know very well about myself is that I have the tendency to have a competitive nature. I can turn nearly anything into a competition if I don't restrain myself. This was made evident as a child when I would lose games against opponents who were much older and more experienced at the game than I, and eventually this was channeled into wanting to play against the person who was just a little better so that I could improve. Nothing's changed really about these facts, I'm simply older and have a better grip on when I shouldn't be so competitive.

As an exercise in this, we have a softball team with work that began last year. It is in a recreational league and last season our record was 1-7. I had a very hard time with that because I'm used to playing on highly structured, championship teams but managed to check my competitive nature at the car door and have a good time on the field. It was fun to get to help people who had never played before learn how the game is played. We all had a blast and spent some good time together. Naturally when we were talking about having a team again this season, I signed up. We are 3 games in and looking to repeat our record from last season. Not really, but so far we're on that path. We play well when we get our focus on the game, but that's a challenge for us all. There are so many things happening in our lives and it is not always easy to keep our focus on what we are doing in the moment. 

So my dilemma becomes resisting the desire to tell people what I've heard from coaches all my life, "You don't practice, you don't play" and so on. It's a tricky balance really to want to be able to let your hair down and have a good time, and still be able to smile after a loss. No one can say they like to lose all the time, and I'm probably the poster child for it. But there is some truth in the coach's statement. If you don't practice how then can you expect to win? Albert Einstein said it best, " Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

Brrrrr...

Winter moved in this year with very minimal warning and made itself completely at home here in the South. I jotted some notes during January and part of February about it and in my absence from blogging, I'll share some of it with you.

It's gone beyond chilly or cold to full blown frigid. We've had some decent cold spells already this winter, but this latest weather fiasco takes the cake. Yesterday morning we awoke to cloudy skies and 52 degrees above freezing; this will be important later. By 7 o'clock in the evening it was below freezing and we had a half inch of snow on the ground. Absolutely amazing really. Today's high temperature was a whopping 10 degrees above zero but if we factor in the wind chill it felt like 10 degrees below zero. For many winters when it has been so cold I've said that this body was not made for cold. And it's true-- my knees ache incessantly thanks to old sports injuries; my hands, feet and lowest areas of my legs are very difficult to keep warm; I have Reynaud's Disease to give credit for that one. During the course of this week, the temperature here was colder than the temperature in Fairbanks, Alaska three days in a row! During a normal winter here when I find myself whining about the cold, I can ask my friend in Alaska what the weather is where she is and I'm instantly zapped back into proper perspective. This year, however, I find myself part time wishing I could trade with her.  But, I find myself adapting to this cold in ways I never imagined. The week after this particular week or temps below 20 degrees all week, I went out one morning with Uglymug and Lard about 6:00 a.m. It was early, I was groggy and really warm from sleeping and didn't think about a coat. Five minutes out and suddenly I'm wondering why my hands are cold. I came in and checked the weather and it was 34 degrees. I went to work that day with no coat because 34 degrees felt warm! It's slightly scary and highly unnerving--why would I, flip flop and sandal goddess come to tolerate cold? I have no idea at all, but it makes me giggle. I went out during the "warm" week for a shopping trip with flip flops on when the temp went above 50 degrees! Such has been our weather thus far this year. As much as I don't enjoy cold, I am hoping that it helps kill of a lot of the bugs :)