Dancing solo in a crowded room

Some months ago I mentioned to the big dawg that I missed my peeps. The topic came to us as we were reflecting on many things including how fortunate we've been to have had the people in our lives that we have. I know in my heart that I was still reeling from so many things that happened in 2018 and I was honestly just tired of it and ready for a new year. Don't get me wrong, I am exceptionally aware of so many good things that came from 2018 as well and I have spent and will continue to spend quality time feeling grateful and holding these truths near to my heart. But, there's something that in spite of everything good and bad that just keeps nagging at my soul. That is I miss having peeps around me. Some of them have been mentioned here, but there are many others.
Life being life has taken us all to places we hardly imagined when that previous post was penned--and if you had asked us then we probably would have said no matter where life was going, we'd get there together. But life is funny that way and here we are all spread out throughout the country and we keep in contact as much as we can but it is definitely a challenge. So what am I getting at? Simple. For more of us than possibly care to admit, we feel oftentimes as if we are dancing solo in a crowded room. Even though we may be in the midst of people we care a great deal for, we are alone.  Living as more spectators to the lives around us than participants with. Often this is because we're the new kid and people just haven't gotten to know us yet; but what if we're the new kid still years later? It wears at you, that's what. The depressing reality is that the people we're around still don't know us deep and take the time to learn and understand what makes us tick. They're busy sharing life with each other because they still have their peeps close at hand. I wish them nothing less than these times and hope they can treasure them the way I did when I was in their place. But I also hope that they can be aware of the people watching from the sidelines and remembering how good it felt to have that. Maybe it's something just in a shift in the dynamic of the world or a generational thing (side note: I think "generational things" get blamed for too much) but this seems to be a growing trend. In the last few months there have been multiple people from various stages and seasons of life who have expressed similar feelings to these of mine. I believe firmly that we've intersected and at least had mention of these types of struggles as an encouragement to one another to not lose heart. Webster defines lonely as "being without company". You can sit in the most crowded of places and still be lonely for one of many reasons. Personally it tends to be more because people are under the impression that I have such a wide circle of friends and family that my life is somehow constantly occupied. In reality my life is occupied by the same mundane chores as everyone else and some of the same interests. Truth is I don't mind spending quality time with peeps doing the mundane things if it means we're developing a depth of friendship and mutual care to where we can be comfortable sharing our hurts, our concerns, our joys, our triumphs and setbacks with someone to be accountable to besides a spouse. Bring it on I say. One of my peeps said it perhaps best when we were early into our friendship when she's stated and I paraphrase, "...you're everyone's Lucy. Their go to to vent or process through or cry on a shoulder or merely confide without judgement. You have such a wide circle of acquaintances who are friendly, but you have no confidants anymore--everyone has died or moved far away so there's something lost." Possibly no truer words have been said of me in a long time. She said them out of love and care, and I love her for it...even if she did move far away. 🙂
All of this to say, if you're at a place in life where your peeps are nearby and you have the depth to really be accountable to one another, treasure it. If like me, you're more on the outside looking in, chin up. Pull yourself up and keep going. Keep forcing yourself to put yourself out there and be at risk or vulnerable. Keep determining to get out there and grow your number of friends who become peeps. Who knows, maybe one day we'll find each other and won't be dancing solo anymore. Anyone down for movie nights, rock band, or table games?

Crying over silverware

Everyone has days, good and bad. Everyone has seasons. Some seasons seem to last longer than others. Personally winter seems to have taken a permanent residence if nowhere but my mind, though I doubt it. Normal seasons include strong and deep emotions that generally are processed through in due course. This recent season however has brought along some extreme extreme emotions; ones I have been ill equipped to handle. Ones that have truly hurt my heart, deeply. I can't list out any specific point where this began, but I know some of the pieces that have contributed.
One of the biggest, if not the biggest has been watching the big dawg go through some of the most hostile treatment at work. The only reason for it is because a couple of old timers don't like that someone much younger and with little experience in their field has come in and been trained and is now held as someone who has the authority to give them instructions. This entire situation hurts my heart in ways I am unable to express. In my personality, I want resolution immediately. I just keep talking to God and telling Him that I trust Him no matter what, and I do; but I'm telling Him as much to remind myself as anything.
If I'm completely honest, a large portion has also been the realization that the last good, deep friend I had close by has moved home-- home, eleven hours away. While my heart breaks and grieves at this loss, I am also happy for her because she has greatly missed being there and it is vital to her wellbeing to be close. The hope of future visits spurs us on.
There have been many other small winters that have popped up over these few months, it's not been a banner year for sure. So why crying over silverware? Simple. It was while standing at the sink, washing silverware that all this "winter" hit me full force. I sat in the floor and cried at the hurt I feel and smiled at the happy all while asking God to speak loudly because I need His voice to drown out everything else and I need Him to hold my heart for awhile.

Knew you when

Anyone else ever have the struggle of having people who 'knew you when' not be able to know you now? It's like they are forever stunted in their belief about who you are. Perhaps this is a just me scenario though I suspect it is much more common than any of us admits.

This past year and some change has been one of the most rewarding and most trying simultaneously. Challenging in feeling utterly betrayed by a group of people who should have behaved better and should have had my back while rewarding in finding a place where I truly fit in and where my ideas and opinions are valued as is my time. A place where no one is abused or penalized simply because they are good at something. This has made so many other things over the last year enjoyable.

Trying in the sense of losing my posse to some extent and not knowing exactly what that may look like going forward. In this case there was no betrayal or hurt had as much as there was just the reality of being in very different seasons and needing to cultivate what the going forward might look like.  I'd be completely lying if I said it's been great or super fun during this process. It 100% hasn't been and has made me question it more than a few times as well as long for the times when I had a posse I knew I could call for any reason at anytime.  On the flip side, being in this place has given me a chance to step out and begin to get to know new people. Still not a posse, but perhaps one day.

This year has brought reward in reconciled family relationships after nearly twenty years. There's still plenty of challenge involved and yet they are almost welcomed in a way to see how this can continue to grow as we learn who one another is. We've come a long way thus far and we still have plenty of ground to cover.

All of these things are good things and things that provide opportunity for growth and depth as a person sure, but still I find myself being left wondering about those peeps who can't seem to see who I am today. I certainly don't claim to be anything special or deserving of anything spectacular, I aim to be genuine. Sometimes I am genuine to a fault and I have to check myself, but I make no apologies for being real. Firmly rooted into my moral code is to be true to who you are no matter what someone else thinks. The crazy thing for me is that it seems for some people there is a belief that a person is forever and always one way, or rooted in one type of thought, attitude, etc. There is no allowance for a person to grow and change. Just as the tide ebbs and flows, so a person who understands the need to always strive to be the best version of themselves is constantly open to adjustments and sways to life. I'm not speaking of altering a moral code or going against beliefs, but about not remaining stubborn and resolute about things that need to move and change. And so, currently I find myself searching to make sure I'm not being one of the 'knew you when' people all while working to make sure I'm open to stretching in my own areas of stubborn stupidity.

The struggle is more real than ever.